Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
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“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
My Plans 2020
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many