I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
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(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you