@TobyHater: Fax? Why don't you just send it over on a dinosaur?
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@EmergencyQB: How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
@FeralCrone: A kid at the park said a giant hemorrhoid is heading toward Earth. I know he misspoke but in the closing days of 2016 one can't be too sure.
@Reverend_Scott: [funeral] He looks so natural. Ya, but he looks a little stiff. *raises from the dead* "That's what... *gargle* ...she said." *dies again*
@salmarch79: A stress ball, made of concrete, and to throw at the person who's stressing you out.