@TobyHater: Fax? Why don't you just send it over on a dinosaur?
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@flashember: [after robots take over] *drones crash into my kitchen* ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me? *fridge starts laughing* BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
@Home_Halfway: The most annoying part about getting older is the incessant desire to give those younger than me unwanted advice.
@DecantAndPour: I drink a glass of red wine a day for health benefits. The other 7 glasses are just for me.
@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking* ME: *immediately dials 911* 911: what the emergency ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them