FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
You Might Also Like
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*