FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
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[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*