FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
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Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
fr
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.