FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
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At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Just ordered me some pizza!
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!