FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
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I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Mistakes were made
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Double negatives are never not confusing.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
🤣✨#caturday
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.