FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
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One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
This could’ve been an email.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice