FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
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cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
I saw this ending much differently.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Yup.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi