FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
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Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
my nickname in college
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Sorry. Not sorry
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman