fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
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Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall