[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
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I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
I can’t stop watching this.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.