fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
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I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
S M O L
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming