FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
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If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”