How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
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“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
wishing you and yours all the best
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
If I ignore life will it go away?
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.