@TheTweetOfGod: Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren't both opposed to it.
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@SteveSuckington: Do these jeans make me look fat? And don't cover your nose this time! -Pinocchio's girlfriend
@DurtMcHurtt: Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa's "push it" and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
@davidschneider: God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how's 2016 been? Did you cope OK? Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.