Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
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My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
this is the best day of my life
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
WWE is French for “yes”
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Every damn time
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you