The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
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[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.