No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
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Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”