Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
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When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Them: You should try keto
Me:
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
some things should go without saying
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it