Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
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How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…