[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
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Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea