@CantWaitToNap: An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.

@wokieleaks1: This thread gets better every time I read it

@Classy_Cassy89: Cause of Death: Dropped full can of soda on baby toe.

@iwearaonesie: [last night] *gets drunk* *can't remember if I fed the dog* *ends up feeding her 5 times* [tonight] *comes home* dog *hands me a beer*

@Goldishocks: My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.