Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
You Might Also Like
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice