Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
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Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.