I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
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5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
welcome back
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.