@kidphonic: Fear of hospitals isn't irrational, I went to 1 once for a stomach-thing & I've had a kid following me around calling me "mom" ever since.
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@ilovepie84: "When I'm done shitting on your car I'm going to watch your wife undress through her window"-Birds
@bellicosejason: A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That's like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
@SteveSackington: If you say "cash money" around me, Don't act surprised when I kick you in the "balls nuts" See how stupid that sounds?
@joejwest: [knocking at the door] VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police! ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND