imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
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Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this