[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
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Breaking news:
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
I wish I were this cool 😂
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*