feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
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When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
This pepper has seen some shit
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”