Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
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The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose