Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
You Might Also Like
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
happy mother’s day❤️
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
BETRAYAL
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
I have many caverns
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?