Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
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If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
#catsoftwitter
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
IT’S-A ME,
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.