[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
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I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Brands during Pride
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan