“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
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Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Where is your GOD now????
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus