FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
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‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
i want to work in this restaurant
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.