FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
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I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂