Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
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[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume