I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
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[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Breaking news:
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK