Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
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Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Jurassic park gets weird
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
what?
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?