[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
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for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
This classic never gets old . . .
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults