[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
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A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
This kid is a star!
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.