I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
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how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
I’m calling the cops.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Was it something I said?
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women