Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
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Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.