True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
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WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.