I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
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When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.