*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
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home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
The symmetry is uncanny.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
screw you