my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
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Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?