Are you ok, human???
You Might Also Like
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Always 🥴
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement