Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
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When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.