Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
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i spent way too long on this
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”