@MomOfTeen: "Feel the burn" yells my fitness instructor as I think that's probably how Satan greets people in Hell.
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@Cheeseboy22: If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I'd secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
@NoticablyBacon: December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
@inmybox07: Apparently I'm a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
@Marlebean: They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate... *walks up to guy in minivan* "Sup?"