Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
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One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.