[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
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PARKOUR
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over